A certifiable lover girl

Recommended reading for romance

Dear friend,

In my efforts to face this life with an open heart devoid of cynicism, I’m embracing this Friday with a special edition of Recommended Reading. It is, of course, Valentine’s Day, and I’ll forgive you for rolling your eyes at the commercialism and kitschiness of it all, because obviously, yes. But. This is the first Valentine’s day in many years where I haven’t been Formally Attached in a Big Thing, and it feels the most interesting in ages. There will be no obligation-bouquet of flowers I don’t particularly like, no disdain or discussion about the nature of the ‘holiday.’ And while I will likely end up rewatching a 90s romantic comedy at home by myself tonight or binging season four of Valeria (the steamy Spanish Sex and the City on Netflix), the day still feels filled to the brim with possibilities and energy.

Because for all my attempts to be jaded and cool and elevate platonic love above all, I can’t fight my nature. I am a certifiable lover girl. Delulu to the point of institutionalization. And while this has led to many less-than-stellar life decisions and much heartbreak, I love love and I love that I love love. I love to be made to blush, to be tongue-tied and bashful (not an easy task to make me so nervous I can’t speak, but it happens). I love that feeling when someone I fancy is standing behind me in a crowded space and I can feel the heat of their body as they reach over me for something. Swoon.

Inspired by Marlowe Granados’ essay In Defense of Romance, I thought about what romance means to me without trying to get distracted by the ineffable. I landed on:

• a hand on the lower back and whispered jokes in loud bars, real close to the ear, like

• fistfuls of wildflowers

• being fed (what an act of love, to offer someone a bite)

• pushing hair behind a person’s ear

• taking a face in both hands

• confessions and grand gestures, particularly in cabs or on street corners in the rain

• mixtapes, obviously

• tragic friendships touched by romance (because occasionally Wilde was right about these things)

• dancing (really dancing—not just a swaying hug)

• actually reading or watching a person’s recommendations

• making recommendations because you think something will resonate

• and, selfishly, reading (and engaging with) my writing

When I was sixteen, I sat next to a boy on the bus. We were on a field trip somewhere in Surrey and he gave me a headphone so we could listen to his music together. He played Back 4 U by Jurassic 5, and seeing as how I was raised on classic rock and country, my mind was a little bit blown. It felt like a new world was being opened up for me. What else was behind this door? How much more could I feel? There was, for me, a very clear before and after.

There was nothing particularly wrong with my life before being shown Back 4 U, but I was never the same after. It was an inciting incident. When I talk about love and romance, that’s what I mean. With everyone I’ve ever loved—friends or partners—they mark my life into clear sections before and after. And while my life today, living in Ireland and writing my way through Europe, is especially good, this Valentine’s Day, I am living in anticipation and excitement for the next after, when my life will never be the same.

---

Recommended reading for romance

Read: Everything I Know About Love by Dolly Alderton (2018). It’s funny the way our notions about what love is and how to do it change as we age and shift environments. This memoir explores the many facets of love—familial, romantic, and friendly—and is a beautiful celebration of the act of falling in love with others and ourselves.

Listen: Love by Lana Del Rey (2017). While every Lana song manages to capture love’s intensity and inherent desperation, this one is so imbued with springtime and hope, I can’t help but put it on repeat.

Watch: When Harry Met Sally (1989). It feels very real right up until that New Year’s party, and while it’s that departure from reality that makes it feel so romantic, the reality of their friendship makes my heart feel some kind of wistful. (In Canada on Apple TV or YouTube Movies)

Watch: Austenland (2013). This supremely underrated movie starring Jennifer Coolidge, Keri Russell, Jane Seymour and Brett from Flight of the Conchords is nonstop silliness with a joke-per-minute rate that should be illegal. That said, it boasts the corniest heart-melting line, “Have you ever stopped to think you have this all wrong? That maybe you’re my fantasy?” Swoon. (In Canada on Apple TV, Prime, CTV Movies, and YouTube Movies)

Look: A Huguenot, on St. Bartholomew's Day, Refusing to Shield Himself from Danger by Wearing the Roman Catholic Badge. (1851-52) Objectively, the greatest romances are those touched by tragedy. This painting of a couple features a Catholic woman trying to tie a white sash onto the arm of her Huguenot (read: Protestant) lover before what wound up being a massacre on St Bartholomew’s Day, when around 3,000 French protestants were murdered in Paris, with around 20,000 murdered across the rest of France. The young man is pulling off the armband while he holds his pleading lover, refusing to use a falsehood to save himself.